When do you throw in the towel?

Many may not understand this open journal of my expression but I’m sitting here 5:00am in the morning much like I am every other morning. Doing the same thing I do every other day-Trying to figure out a way for my family and I. But this day is different. See unlike the other days all motivation is lost. I feel a bit broken. So exhausted by the drama, sorrow, pain & hard ache. It feels like everything but the right thing is happening within my life. Then I reflect on my past and recognize that throughout my life I have been nothing but an example of what NOT to do. Yet I have been in a fight for 34 going on 35 years from childhood to adulthood with various opponents such as family secrets, street secrets, drugs, gangs, death, molestation, religion, mental health, physical health and the my worst opponent thus far…Life.
Thoughts of hopelessness begin to dance within one’s mind over and over like a rhythmic melody to an old jazz musician. With all of the downfalls and struggles it seems that I am in a constant bout with life and I continue to get knocked down over and over. The more I get knocked down the more I get back up. But I have been getting knocked down so long that I can physically & emotionally feel my drive and ambitions slowly decline. It’s wearing on me and I feel it. See being in the ring with this opponent “Life” I feel it is honestly beginning to win this fight and though I’m not a coward enough to just lie down on the canvas and take a count out. I know I am looking at my corner coach asking at what point will he throw in the towel? Through it all he hasn’t thrown in the towel yet therefore…I guess I have to keep fighting because know body knows me more than my Coach that wonderfully made me in his own image. I hope my negatives will make a positive in others lives.